Letters of Leon
by EtrnlPsyche
Summary: ***COMPLETE*** Series of letters written by Leon's girlfriend in her journal.
1. June 8th

Letters of Leon

June 8th

I saw him for the first time today and it nearly broke my heart.

Well it wasn't really the first time.  I guess it was the first time I'd really seen him… for who he is, not the cool, aloof, street smart, tough wise ass that I've known him to be for so long.

Jesse's funeral was a surreal.    The world stood still…

I actually thought I'd make it through without breaking down but that was until Leon finally let go.  As the casket lowered he fell to his knees, his face buried into the soggy ground as the rain fell in steady streams over the team.  We all watched in silence as sobs wretched his body over and over. I've never wanted to hold someone and comfort someone as much as I did Leon at that moment.  It hurt to watch someone you love hurt.  After letting him let go for nearly two hours the rain unceasing, Dom had to physically carry him away from the gravesite. 

 He hadn't slept for days… his best friend was gone.  He's not coming back.  That's not something that's easy to accept.  But he blames himself, that's the worst of it all.

Mia somehow managed to get him to take a sedative and he's getting some much needed rest… but it's not peaceful.  As I write this, I'm watching him toss and turn.  The covers long since kicked off of the bed, his body soaked in perspiration and his brow furrowed with worry.

I never knew Leon was capable of that kind of love.  Not the romantic kind of love that he hides from everyone else but shows me unconditionally… but that kind of love that you have for someone who's closer to you than family… the kind of love that goes beyond measure.  Trust is never an issue.  You know without at doubt that the person that you love this unconditional way will always be there for you, will never turn their back on you and would give up their life in order to save yours.

One day, I'll have my Leon back.  Until that happens, I've got to be there for him… show him the kind of love he had for Jesse, I know it won't be easy.  Jesse was like his brother… was his brother blood notwithstanding… I'm just a girl.  

I'm a girl that loves him with every ounce of who I am.  I'm a girl who's going to be patient and caring and help the man I love come to terms with the loss of his family.  I know no one or nothing will ever replace Jesse in Leon's life but I'm going to do my damndest to make sure Jesse isn't forgotten, that he's always in our hearts and in our minds but the hurt will heal, with time… and the fond memories will still linger…

…and Leon will come back…

With Love…    Frankie


	2. June 9th

June 9th

It's funny how concern for someone else's pain can make you blind to your own.  

I spent last night with Leon in my arms, getting little sleep.  I couldn't bring myself to rest while he still fought his internal demons.  He'd finally stilled just before dawn and I'd carefully unwrapped his arms from my waist and stumbled into the bathroom, desperately in need of a shower.

I don't know if it was the steady stream of water as it beat down on my naked body that broke through the façade or if I finally let my own demons loose. I found myself on the floor of the shower hugging my knees with my head atop them while sobs quietly racked my body.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw Jesse's face, heard Jesse's laugh… smelled Jesse's smell… a strange mixture of smoke and grease… purely Jess.

This house was alive with memories of him, I didn't know where to go. I didn't want those memories gone I just wanted a chance to heal.  

My thoughts drifted to Leon.  He'd known Jesse so much longer than I. He'd known him so much better.  I couldn't imagine his pain if mine were so great.  Over the sound of the water beating the tile I heard distant cries… but they weren't distant at all.  They were my own.  

"Frankie…" he'd said softly as he slipped his arms around me.  

Leon's face appeared through the steam and he pulled me to my feet, wrapping me In a large blue towel.  I watched blankly as he reached around me turned off the water.  

He braced my back with one arm and slid the other behind my knees then carried me to our room.  That's all I remember.  I don't know maybe the exhaustion of worry and the heat of the shower got the best of me… 

*smile* But this morning when I woke up he smiled.

"It's gonna be all right Frank… we're gonna get through this."

He'd tightened his arms around me and pulled me closer to his body.  "You're gonna be all right Frank.  And…and I'm gonna be all right."  

I watched him close his eyes and sit there silently for a moment as if he were struggling to breath.  When he opened them again they were wet with tears.  "It's gonna take me some time but I'm gonna be okay.  I need you to be patient with me, I need you with me…"

I'd smiled and brushed a tear away as it fell from his eyes.  Things are gonna be okay.  

I've just got to keep my head up, I've got to keep Leon's head up and we're going to make it.  All of us…

… Frankie…


	3. June 12th

June 12th

It's been barely a week since Jesse died… 

Everyone seems to be getting through it okay.  At first it was hard for me to get past it, but every time I look at Leon and see how far he's come in the last few days it makes me proud and I know I have no excuse not to get on.  I know how hard it's been for him and I know none of us have helped.  We've been walking on eggshells around him for so long he finally broke, he decided to show us up and make us get off of our butts and get on with living.

Last night at dinner, our first official meal together since it happened, we all sat quietly … waiting.  A silent tear rolled down Mia's cheek and she smiled.  "So… who's gonna say grace now?" she choked through a soft sob.

The team laughed but it was a bittersweet laugh.  A laugh all of us would gladly have given up if we could've had Jesse there at that moment, praying his adorable little prayer.  The car gods must love him. 

Leon was the first to speak up, shocking all of us into silence, but we followed his lead and bowed our heads.  "Dear Lord, We just thank you for the time that we have together, that we'll learn to appreciate it and cherish each minute of it because we don't know when it will be the last.  Let us enjoy this feast that Dom has prepared for us, that we'll eat enough for Jesse.  Just tell him we love him God… Amen."

I kept my head down a moment longer not ready to make eye contact with Leon just yet.  No one was.  That was his first step.  He'd made his, now we had to make ours.  Vince was the first to reach across the table as always lacking in manners to grab the largest piece of chicken he could get breaking the silence as he barely managed to get it on his plate and not in Letty's lap.

"He woulda been proud of that one dawg," he'd growled as he'd slapped Leon on the back.

Dinner was quiet but enjoyable.  Every now and then a joke would be told, nearly all of them in bad humor, a weak attempt to lighten the mood but we'd all laughed compliantly.

When we'd finished eating, Letty and I had helped Mia with the clean up but after a few moments I'd realized I was in for an interrogation.  They'd just wanted to know how Leon was doing and I answered the best I could.  He wasn't himself and I'm more than sure it's going to be a long time before he is himself again but he's dealing.  They'd watched me intently as I'd answered their questions not having much of an answer for any of them.  He's dealing.  That turned out being my answer for more than a few.

They're watching me now.  I guess they think I can't see them, that I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't feel the stares.  I wish Leon would get back so I can spend some time with him.  But as much as I want him with me right now, I'm happy that he's finally leaving the house.  He's at the garage with Dom and Vince, I'm not sure how long they're going to be gone or how dirty they're going to be when they get back but I'm just glad he's getting out.

Before he'd left he'd held me against him, quietly, one hand cupping the back of my head as I'd buried my face in his neck, absorbing his scent, the other rubbing my back soothingly.  He'd kissed my temple and pulled away.  

He must have seen the worry in my eyes because he was quick to reassure me that he was fine… but the words that came next pleasantly surprised me…

"Don't cry because it;s over Frank…" he'd said with a crooked grin.  "Smile because it happened… Jesse would want it that way."

With that he'd brushed his lips over mine and walked away.  Why hadn't I thought of that?…  Smile because it happened.  

Smile…

            Frankie


	4. June 14th

June 14th

He laughed.

I've never heard anything sweeter than the sound of his laugh.  Unexpected but welcome.  At first I thought I was dreaming, he hadn't been home when I'd gone to sleep so I guess I chalked it up to imagination.

My dreams have been like that lately, vivid… almost too real.  

It's almost like it used to be.  Before. I miss him, it's getting harder and harder to deal with but I know I have to.  More and more everyday I see bits and pieces of the old Leon… it gives me hope.  But I need more than hope.  I need Leon.

He has his moments.  Sometimes it's like it was when Jesse was here and then it's gone.  I can tell when he shuts down, the light in his eyes vanishes and there's a void there that I will never be able to fill.

What am I supposed to do?  How can I help him?  How can I not take his behavior personally?

I know he loves me, I know he misses Jesse.  We all do.  But not like Leon.  I feel so selfish sometimes because I want it like it was!  I know it's not right to feel like that, I feel like I'm disrespecting Jesse but... I'm being shut out and I don't know what to do to stop it.  

All I can do is enjoy the few moments I get.  I want to spend as much time as I can with him because I never know when that void will be filled… even for a moment.  I want to be there for that.  I want to make him smile.  I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I care about him. I want to enjoy those few moments with him.

I'm just so scared he's going to lose himself because he lost Jesse.

I have to think on the positive.  I need to focus on the good.  Like yesterday… we were watching a movie with V, I could feel Leon watching me.  When I turned to look at him he smiled softly, brushed a stray lock of hair back and kissed me.  *smile*  

That's what I want… that's what I miss.  The random kisses, touches, the I love yous for no reason other than he couldn't help himself.  

Side note:  I'm gonna have to find V a woman, I'm sick and tired of his snorting when Leon and I get even a little mushy. :-P

Anyway, back to my point…he laughed.  This morning he laughed.  Maybe I'd just dozed off, maybe I'd been asleep for hours… I didn't know.  It was still dark out but I knew it was well past midnight… I'd waited up, but I fell asleep before he ever came in.

I don't know what woke me, but I felt the bed shift beneath me and I opened my eyes to a sea of green sparkling in the moonlight that streamed through the window.

I murmured a sleepy hi and sighed contentedly as he slid beneath the covers and pulled me against him, cradling my in his arms, cupping the back of my head as my face buried in the hollow of his shoulder.  It felt so good to be In his arms like that.  Neither of us crying, neither of us upset.  He just held me.

I closed my eyes and slowly succumbing to my exhaustion…. And he laughed.  The last sound I heard.  He laughed.

~ still hoping….

            Frankie


	5. July 24th

July 24th

It's been so long since I've written.  Things have been crazy.  More like horrible.

I can't do this anymore.  I can't watch him fall apart again.  I thought things were getting better but they're not.

He's pushing me further and further away now.   I haven't seen him in three days, which is hard to do when you live with someone.  It's happened though.  I don't know where he's been sleeping but it's not with me.  

Every morning I wake up, hoping to see his face when I open my eyes, maybe hear the shower running, hell, I'd be happy to see something out of place just to know that he'd been there but every thing is where it's supposed to be.  Except for Leon.  The only thing in his place is a cold empty spot where his body should be, lying next to mine.

It's weird around here.  I feel awkward, out of place.  

These are his friends, his house, I feel like an intruder.  The outsider trying to get in.  Mia goes out of her way to make me feel welcome… they all do but I feel like they're trying to overcompensate for Leon not being there.  Maybe that's wrong, I don't know.  I've known them all for a years, I was friends with them before Leon and I got together but I can't help thinking I'm on the outside.

To their credit they haven't tried to defend him in any way.  Dom's doing his best to get him to straighten his act up but if he's not at the garage working, he's racing, or drinking.  He's going to kill himself…  I know he's grieving, I wouldn't expect anything less but Jesse wouldn't want this.

But who am I to say what Jesse would want?  I'm not the one that lost my family.  

I've tried so hard to be there for Leon, to listen to him, to help him, just to be there for him and I don't know what else to do, but I can't sit back and let him destroy himself.

This morning I decided to get off of my ass and go see him, try to set things straight.  I was halfway out the door when Vince stopped me.  I know he needs time but I just don't feel like I can give him time anymore.  I broke down and fell into a helpless heap at Vince's feet.  I don't know what to do anymore.  You'd think I would've run out of tears by now.

Much to my surprise Vince has been the one that's been there for me, keeping me busy to keep my mind off of things and he's tried to help me see things from Leon's perspective.  As much grief as everyone gives him for being a hothead he does have his sensitive side.  I wouldn't have made it through the last month without him.

He's gone out of his way to make sure I have everything I need, he's told me not to worry, that Leon loves me and he just needs some time to deal with this.  I've run out of time.

I must sound so selfish.  My boyfriend's best friend died, technically his only family, he feels responsible for it, and I'm whining because he's put me on the back burner.  I feel horrible.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I've been with Leon for so long I don't know what I'm going to do without him.  I guess I need to try and figure it out.

I don't have him now and until he's ready I need to get on with my life.  I know V, Mia, Letty and Dom are my friends but they long with Leon… I can't ask them to side with me or help me in this situation.  

I need to leave.  It's awkward for me to stay here and I know it has to be just as awkward for everyone else.   They all walk on eggshells around me and I'm tired of the silence when I walk in a room.  

I guess the next time I sit down to write I won't be here anymore…  I don't know where I'm going to go.  I've got money, that's not the problem.  But my life is here.

Maybe it's not anymore, maybe its time for me to move on.  

Frankie…


	6. August 3rd

August 3rd  

I've never been so lonely in my life.  Sometimes you don't realize how lonely you are until you really are alone.  No one's left for you to turn to when you have a problem, there's no one left to talk to when you need a friend.  

I took the chicken's way out, I know that, but I was dying inside.  That house was smothering me and I had to get away.  Just to prove how chicken I was I left when there was no one there to stop me.  I would've faltered under their goodbyes… or, knowing Mia there wouldn't have been a goodbye.  She would've asked me to stay, well begged me to stay.  It's not in her to do anything else.  Her whole purpose in life is to care for people… I would never have been able to look her in the eye and walk out the door.

Vince is the only person that knows where I am.  He tried to talk me out of leaving as well but I wouldn't let him do it.  I suppose that's why he helped me leave.  He wanted to know where I'd be for Leon's sake.  

It's hard to just pick up and start your life all over with no planning other than what time you're gonna leave.  I just got in the car and drove.  I'm back where I started from back at home in the Garden District of New Orleans.  The house where I grew up, a house full of memories that smother me even more than the sweltering Louisiana heat.

New Orleans used to awe me as a child… it was a fantastical world of mystery and beauty, but now it's just another prison to me.  The tourists clog the streets that never fail to smell of urine and other bodily fluids, with the suffocating heat, this could quite possibly be hell on earth.  

Why the hell did I come back here?

I'd called Vince when I got here, gave him the number in case he needed anything and I hung up without another word.  He promised he'd keep in touch to let me know how Leon was doing, as well as the rest of the guys.  He's called a few times but I haven't answered I just let the answering machine pick up.

He knows I'm here, which he never fails to tell me but leaves a message every time each one ending with "Leon misses you."

If he misses me why isn't he the one calling? 

*hmph* Stupid question… I made Vince promise not to tell anyone he knew where I was or how to get in touch with me… that's why Leon isn't calling me.  I know I'm partly to blame for the situation I'm in, but how much pain was I supposed to take?  Not that I'm not in pain now, I'm just 1800 miles away from the source.

Of course I'll never be away from Leon.  He's in my mind twenty-four seven and he's in my soul.  

I went to the French Quarter today to reacquaint myself with the city. Nothing has changed since I left.  Well, the women are trashier but that's about it.  Everywhere I went something reminded me of Leon… but that's to be expected right?  After two years with someone things are obviously going to remind you of that person.  

I once heard someone say that it takes half of the time you spent in a relationship to get over it.  

If that's the case this is going to be one long ass year.  

I ran into some friends of mine from college this afternoon.  They invited me to a party but I'm not in much of a party mood.  Hell I'm not in much of a breathing mood.  It's just going to take some time.

Frankie…


	7. August 10th

August 10th

Did I say something about New Orleans being hell?  As if the heat wasn't bad enough, I'd forgotten about the rain.  Summer rain is like clockwork down here.  Beautiful morning, not a cloud in the sky… come 4 o'clock the sky goes black and suddenly its falling.  As for someone in my condition it makes life black as well.

I strongly recommend not trying to forget your problems in New Orleans.  You either wake up with your brain trying desperately to get more room than it has, more holes in your body than you're meant to have, a new tattoo that you don't see until you happen to stand in front of the mirror at an odd angle, and someone you don't know asking where the coffee is.  Or you end up like me.  More miserable that I was when I got here.

It's a lonesome city.  

During the day I can make due.  I got a job at the New Orleans Musuem of Art as assistant curator of Ancient Egyptian Art, one of my few passions in life.  Mom would be proud that I'm finally putting my degree to some use, I couldn't begin to count how many times I heard, "What are you going to do with a degree in art history?  Get a degree that will get you a job.  Art can be your hobby."  It's hard for your passion to be a hobby.  Passion is something that incessantly consumes you, it doesn't just take a break while you go on with your day.  When you're passionate about something you live for it.  Art is my passion.

That's another story I won't get into right now.  I've fought hard for my passion and it's not something I take lightly.

Anyway, I'm usually off by 5:30 everyday so I go home and sit in front of a blank canvas waiting for inspiration to strike.  It never does.

It's strange.  I used to me able to create some of my best work when I was going through my down times… now the only thing that comes to my mind is Leon.  I somehow doubt anyone would want to buy portraits of Leon.  Not that I'd sale them.  I used to sketch him all the time.  When I was sure he wasn't looking.

I remember watching his every move, trying desperate to capture little mannerisms that not many people would see.  The way he chews on those damn toothpicks.  But that's one of his little quirks.  As bothersome as it can be when you try to just walk up and kiss him, its one of his little things that he does.  Something that's completely Leon and something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Of course it's not mine to trade.  I walked out on it.  

I miss him so much.  I keep hoping that Vince will forget what I said and just give Leon my number, tell him where I am.  What I wouldn't give if he would just pick up the phone.

I just know I want him here.  I want to be with him.  

I should call, but my pride's getting in the way.  He needs to be here with me.  Maybe if we could just spend some time together.  Just the two of us, far away from memories of Jesse and the rest of the team.

This is what we need.  I've been staring at this phone for hours.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know if I'm waiting for it to ring or if I'm waiting to pick it up and dial.  

Alright, if it doesn't ring in the next hour…

What?  What will I do if it doesn't ring in the next hour?

I'll stand up and walk away.  I'm not ready to get past my pride just yet.  I tried… now its up to him to make  the next move.

Frankie


	8. August 12th

August 12th

I finally talked to Vince.  He caught me at a vulnerable time I guess.  The loneliness had gotten the best of me.  I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone since I got here, that didn't involve the Post-Amarna period and the death mask of King Tutankhamen.  Sure, art's my passion but sometimes I need to just talk about absolutely nothing at all. 

*smile* Vince is good for that.  Don't get me wrong I'm not saying he's less than there but he's good for a laugh when needed.  I definitely needed one.

I never realized how much I missed him until then.  He gave me an earful about taking care of myself.  "Don't go out by yourself at night." "Are you making sure your doors and windows are locked before you go to bed?"  "Do NOT get followed home from the French Quarter and by NO means set foot in one of those trashy tattoo joints.  You want a tattoo you call me."  I always hated the fact that I didn't have an older brother to watch out for me, but Vince has filled that spot quite well.

He's not just some stupid, big bully that gets his charge out of beating people up.  A lot of people think he's Dom's little lap dog, doing anything he's told to do but he's not.  He protects his friends… well… his family.  He protects people he doesn't even know.  He knows when people are weak and vulnerable and he knows how to help them when they need it.  Mia's our nurturer.  Vince is our protector.

That's how I met Leon.  Vince brought me home after beating the hell out of my abusive step-father.  I don't know how he found me but I'm glad he did.  I'll always be indebted to him for that.  He saved my life. 

And he introduced me to Leon.  

I'll never forget that day.  Vince watched me like a hawk.  He wouldn't leave me alone for a second and when Leon showed the slightest bit of interest in me Vince gave him the third degree.  It took months to get him to leave Leon and I alone much less go out on a date.  But we finally did and never looked back.  

I think Vince feels responsible for me and for everything that's happened.  He feels it's his fault so he calls every day for his own peace of mind.  

Honestly I think I just answered the phone out of guilt.  I feel bad for leaving like I did but it was something I had to do for my own sanity if nothing else.

I talked to Mia for a little while.  Apparently Vince snuck out after dinner to use the phone and she followed.  She knew he was up to something.  As usual, she was right. 

I made him promise not to tell her where I was.  She wanted to know I was okay.  She asked me a thousand questions that I answered without giving much information.  The last thing I need is Mia packing everyone up and heading to New Orleans.  

What I do need is Leon back in my life.  

I wanted so badly to tell Vince that I didn't care if he slipped up and told Leon he knew where I was.  I know Mia's inevitably going to say something to tip everyone off and then all hell's gonna break loose for him.  But Vince can handle it.

He's a big guy.  Strong enough for both of us.    He's going to have to be because I'm getting weaker and weaker every day.    

As if things can't get worse… tomorrow's my birthday.  I'll be 25.  I took the day off.  Why?  I don't know.  I have nothing planned.  I have no one to make plans with.  Can I possibly shut myself out from the rest of the world anymore than I already am?

Yeah, I know… I'm all about some self pity.  I'm only in this situation because I put myself in it so get off my ass, stop whining and get on with life.  Stop living in the past.

I'd like to see you try that…  it's not human nature.

Frankie


	9. August 13th

August 13th

Happy birthday to me…

This is me, being all sorts of celebratory. 

I'm at home.  

I've been home all day the phone hasn't rung, not that I've expected it to.  No one knows the number except Vince and he's at work right now.  

I made myself a cake.  It's a huge strawberry Scooby Doo cake.  Nice and mature for a 25th birthday, though its not as much fun when I'm the only one here to enjoy it.  Drinking isn't as fun alone either.  Why don't they make pina colada mixes for one?  Why is it necessary to make enough to serve an army when I'm the only one drinking.  

Oh well… guess I'll have to be an army.

Then again I am in Nawlins… might as well get off my butt and march down to Pat O'Brien's and buy myself a Hurricane… hell its my birthday I can splurge.

I don't know why I sit and write in this journal every free minute I have.  I need to get a hobby… or a life.  But I don't.  Every night when I get home after being less than creative, I take a shower and eat some dinner.

Then I wander into the living room, slip Frank into the cd player, grab this journal and sit myself on this chaise and don't get up until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.  

Frank keeps me going though.   I love that man.  I can just turn him up, close my eyes and I'm in another time and place.  Sometimes I think I was born too late.  I just long for the days when guys stood up for their gals and running across a gentleman wasn't a rare occurrence. 

Just give me my Sinatra and I'm a happy woman.

Mom didn't know what she was doing when she named me after Frank.  It was my eyes that made up her mind for her. 

I just can't wait until people call me Ole Blue Eyes… of course I'm 25 now it could start at any moment.

It's only seven o'clock and I'm already in my pajamas.  Of course I never got out of them.  MAN I'M SUCH A LOSER!  It's my birthday I should go out.  I should have fun.  I should be with Leon.

Ugh… hold on… apparently the doorbell works.  I'll be back as soon as I tell whoever's there that I'm not interested.

… it's Vince…

Frankie


	10. August 13th again

August 13th….  again

I can't believe Vince is here.  I can't believe he found me.  Yeah I told him I was in New Orleans but I didn't tell him where.  I should've known he'd find me though… plus my car is parked in the driveway.  There aren't that many 1971 Plymouth Hemi-Cuda's in the world even fewer in New Orleans.

That's what gave me away.  The car.  I knew I should've pulled it into the garage when I got home but I was just too lazy to do it yesterday.  Figures, the one time I decide to get lazy.

Vince is asleep.  

I don't know what he was thinking coming here.  He didn't even tell anyone.  Just got on a plane and showed up on my doorstep.  They still don't know where he is.  

If I were one of them I'd kick his ass.  Hell I'd like to kick his ass right now.  He totally ruined today for me.  

Oh, who am I kidding.  He made my day.  I've never been so happy to see someone in my life.  Once I got over the initial shock of him being here I swear I hugged him for a good ten minutes, only letting go when he started coughing.  

I may be a girl but I've got a hell of a grip.  Anyway, he made me get dressed and took me out to eat and I got that Hurricane I wanted so badly.  Didn't phase me one bit though.  Who'd a thunk… I can hold my liquor.  

Man he's nothing but a big teddy bear.  He jumped all over me for opening the door without asking who it was or looking out the peep hole.  I don't have a peep hole how can I look out?  I'm not even going to go into the lecture he gave me on all the weirdos that live here.  I grew up here.  I know about the freaks.

When we got back from eating we sat in the living room and talked about everything that was going on in the Toretto house.  Mia apparently is getting more maternal than any of them can handle.  Vince blames her for his being here.  He ran away.  Dom and Letty are actually getting along pretty well, which is a miracle.  Not that they don't love each other but there's a thin line between love and hate and sometimes with those two its hard to tell which side of the line they're on.  

He didn't want to talk about Leon.  I could tell, I'm not even sure I did but I finally got the nerve to ask.

After a long silence Vince looked up at me, his eyes having lost the sparkle that was there just moments before.  "He's in hell Frank.  First Jess dies.  Now you've left.  His world's falling apart on him."

It stung to hear those words come out of Vince's mouth.  They weren't harsh, he didn't mean for them to hurt, he was just telling it like it is.  Leon's his friend too.  He's the one that's sitting there watching the hell that Leon's going through and I've run off like Leon's grief is an inconvenience to my happiness.

Well it is.  Damn me and my selfishness but it is.  I don't intend to be this way but I've spent nearly my entire life in hell.  Watching my mother get abused my step-father then take his shots at me, I never thought I'd be happy.

And then I met Leon and everything changed.  Everything in my life that hurt me and jaded me disappeared and I took a chance.  I knew there was a possibility I'd get hurt.  That's what happens to me, I always get hurt.  But it didn't happen.

Not until Jesse. 

But the only reason I got hurt was because I let myself get hurt.  I took Leon's grief and turned it into my hurt.  I took his pain as a weapon against me.  That's not what it is.  I know that, but I can't face the truth right now until I know Leon can.

I know I'm a horrible person for this, but I can't watch Leon hurt.  It hurts me.  I can't sit there and watch him be a victim to himself.

Vince watched me for a few minutes then stood and kissed my forehead.  Not bothering to ask if he could stay, he knew he could, he grabbed his bag and walked up the stairs.  I sat in the living room a long time after he'd gone to bed.  

I'm not going to work tomorrow… it's Saturday, luckily they have no need for me.  I'm going to spend the day with Vince.  I'm not exactly sure what that will entail but I have a feeling it's going to be a long day.  

Maybe by the end of the day my pride will falter and I'll pick up the phone…

… cursing my stubbornness…

Frankie


	11. August 14th

August 14th

Vince is adorable… have I mentioned that?  We spent the day in the French Quarter doing the tourist thing.  He's never been here before so I did my rightful duty as a "proud" resident of New Orleans and took the day to be the world's greatest tour guide.   

We had breakfast at the Café du Monde.  He only decided to leave when I promised him he could come back and get more beignets on our way home.  He was already a mess after two cups of coffee and four beignets.  His beard was covered with powdered sugar and his black wifebeater was nearly white.  He didn't care said it was the best damn thing he'd ever eaten and he was going to have to get Mia to learn how to make them.

We wandered down Decatur then over to Market Street.  Vince bought something for everyone.  More than once he picked up something to buy for Jesse.  I never said a word, I just walked in the other direction and let him realize it on his own.  It was a sensitive subject and I was best not bringing it up at all.

We stopped at Margaritaville on our way back towards my car.  Apparently Letty's been on a margarita kick and Vince thought a set of glasses would be the perfect gift.  

After we left I took Vince to the museum.  He wanted to see where I worked.  He was impressed though it was obviously out of his element.  I've never been so nervous.  

Vince has this thing where he has to touch things… I don't know how many times I had to remind him it was a look only building.  He didn't seem to understand that alarms go off when you get within 3 inches of touching many of the sculptures in the building.  That seemed to be what fascinated him the most.  

He couldn't begin to imagine why people thought pieces of metal and steel melded together in abstract creations were considered art.  I answered him simply.   "Your car is nothing but melded steel is that art?" Needless to say he shut up quickly.

That was the extent of my tour.  I offered to take him to some of the cemeteries or at least St. Louis #1 so he could "visit" Marie Laveau.  He wasn't amused.  Turns out, our big protector is little scared of things that go bump in the night.  "I'm not messing with that freaky shit.  Get me outta here.  Its getting dark.  Ain't you got some movies to watch or something?" he'd said.

He's on the phone with Leon right now.  I don't think he knows I can hear him but the walls have always been paper thin around here.  I can't begin to tell you how many times my mother heard some of the names I called her after a fight.  You'd think I would've learned after the first few times but I never did.  

They've been on the phone over an hour.  When we got home I went upstairs to take a shower then went about my usual routine.  Vince was in the living room when I came downstairs but went into the library and closed the door when I walked into the room.  

He didn't have to tell me who he was talking to, I could tell by the expression on his face.  Apparently things had not gone well from the start of the conversation.  His voice was strained and pleading when he walked away.  He was telling him where he was.  I'm not sure if it was Leon to begin with but I knew it was Leon now.  

He's telling him that I'm hurting.  I don't know why.  The last thing Leon needs to do is worry about me.  There's enough going on without that.  

I didn't tell Vince I was hurting but I'm sure he could tell.  He's always been able to read me.  Normally I wouldn't mind.  Right now I felt like I was being betrayed.  I shouldn't feel that way.  He has good intentions.  He wouldn't have come here if it were otherwise but I've never been one to have someone else interfere in my relationships. 

And Vince has never been one to interfere.  I think he's scared for us though.  He knows that Leon and I have a good thing and he doesn't want us throwing it away over this.  I don't either.  That's the last thing that I want.

Apparently our time of healing should be over, from Vince's point of view that is.  I don't know if Leon will ever completely heal over losing Jesse.  My problems are minor compared to his.  I think mainly…

I'm just scared.  

My mom spent her whole life looking for someone to love her.  She never found them.  I don't want to end up like her.  I know I have Leon.  I would do anything in my power to keep him but I'm so scared that I'm going to lose him that I just can't fight anymore.  I want him to be there for me, when he's ready to be there for me.  

"She loves you…"  

I could kill Vince sometimes… God love him I could.  He just had to tell Leon I loved him.  Leon knows I love him.  I don't think there's ever been a doubt in his mind that I love him.  He just needs to know I'm ready when he is.

~ Frankie 


	12. August 15th

August 15th

I wasted half of the morning in bed.  I guess Vince put me there because I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in my chaise.  I'd been waiting for him to get off of the phone, he never did.

I feel bad for him.  I can't imagine what he's feeling.  I know he doesn't want to take sides but I can't blame him if he does.  I'd side with Leon myself if I wasn't on my own side of course.

By the time I'd gotten a shower and gone downstairs he'd already had breakfast.  There were two beignets sitting on the counter for me, as well as a cup of coffee.  I picked them up and walked out to join him on the patio, where I found him looking through my sketchbook.

"Why'd you stop?" he'd asked.  His eyes were focused on a portrait I'd drawn of Jesse and Leon one day when they were taking a break at the garage.  

I'd shrugged at him and sat quietly eating my food. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd lost all of my inspiration.  He kept flipping through, his eyes lingering on every sketch taking the time to really look at what he saw before him.  

I looked up when he set it on the table and found his eyes burning into mine.  I could tell he was fighting some internal demons he had about this situation.  "You should call him."  The wrong demon won.

I had no response to that.  I still wasn't ready.  I just told Vince he had sugar in his beard, picked up my sketchbook and stormed into the house.  I know he's not trying to pressure me but until I'm ready that's what it's going to feel like.

I've always been someone who does things in their own time.  I suppose it's the artist in me.  You can't rush the creative process and for me, I can't rush anything. I take time in everything I do.  That includes my relationships with people.

Vince is the only person I've ever met that I immediately warmed up to, everyone else has gone through a trial period.  They have to prove themselves to me, prove that they aren't going to turn their backs on me, prove that I can trust them… It's hard to be that way but to me it's the only way I can survive.  

When I'm hurt it takes me twice as long to come back.  

I'm not sure how much longer Vince is going to be here.  He's not the type of guy to just hang around the house and not do anything and that's really all he's done since he showed up.  I'm not the best hostess in the world.  Then again I've never claimed to be.  

My steps faltered before running up the stairs and going back to bed.  I needed to get out.  This house was starting to smother me again.  I'd been home for 3 days.  That's not something I'm used to.  

I grabbed my shoes and pulled them on then headed for the door.  I didn't care that I looked like the biggest bum in the world.  Hell this is New Orleans, no one's gonna notice me unless I've got my breasts exposed and my butt hanging out.

I wasn't mad at Vince… I didn't think.  I couldn't afford to be mad at anyone else.  I've already isolated everyone else in my life.  I just needed to get out for a while, take a drive.  I'd feel better after a drive.

I took my keys off of the hook by the door and stepped outside, being sure to lock the door behind me.  As I turned towards my car I stopped.  

"Up for a drive?"

I gasped, struggling for air as my breath caught in my throat.  Leon.  He was here.  He hadn't changed, not that I'd expected much of a change.  He still wore those baggy jeans, his never ending collection of jerseys having obviously expanded, that damn toothpick still hung in his mouth.  He smiled as he leaned against my car but it didn't reach his eyes.  The only thing that was out of place… the glimmer wasn't there.

I walked down the stairs forcing myself to take each step, every one harder than the one before.  I stopped a few feet in front of him and looked at the ground.  I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye.  Not after what I did.

Leon wouldn't stand for it.  He put his hand on my cheek and tipped back my head urging me to look him in the eye.  I didn't realize I was crying until he brushed a tear away with his thumb.  He never said a word just pulled me against him, wrapping me tightly in his arms.

It felt so good to be there again.  I turned my face into his neck and breathed in the scent of him.  So familiar.  I hugged him to me, trying to make up for every hug I'd missed for the past month.  "I'm so sorry Leon."

"Shh…" he'd said over and over again.  "I love you Frank…"

He's sleeping now.  Vince is leaving tomorrow morning.  He thinks Leon and I need some time alone, time to talk and get things straightened out.

He's right.  

Leon and I drove around for a good hour or so today.  We didn't say much.  It was a strained silence, as I expected it might be.  When we got back he ate dinner, talked for Vince for a few minutes and went to bed.

He kissed me lightly on the lips and told me he loved me one more time before turning out the light and crawling into bed.

I can't sleep.  I've got a lot of thinking to do before tomorrow.  I've got to figure out how I'm going to explain myself for the way I've behaved over the last few weeks.  I'm not sure I can.  I feel so guilty… there's no excuse for it.

I've just got to make him understand that I love him… maybe if I do that everything else won't matter… but I know it won't be forgotten.

~ Frankie 


	13. August 16th

August 16th

Leon's gone for a walk.  We talked for hours.  I tried to explain myself as best as I could but I'm not sure what he'll say.  I guess it's hard for him to figure out where I'm coming from.  Just like it's hard for me to figure out where he's coming from.

I was awake long before he was.  I'm not really sure I ever went to sleep.  Vince left around 6 this morning after a cup of coffee and a little pep talk he hugged me and walked out to meet his cab.  I stared at the door willing him to come back and support me but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

I know it's just Leon and being nervous is really far from necessary but this is my life… for nearly two years its been my life and I was so scared that it was all about to get up and walk away.  

Leon stumbled down the stairs around 10.  He'd gotten some much-needed rest.  According to Vince, he hadn't slept much since I left and I knew he wasn't sleeping before I left so at least he something good has come out of him being here.  

I was curled up on the couch watching the birds lingering around the feeder that hung on the back porch when he came down.  He cleared his throat when he walked into the room and I turned around slowly, not sure what to expect.  He rubbed his eyes and yawned then sat next to me, leaving more space than I would've liked but… baby steps.  

He watched me expectantly.  He wanted me to go first.  That sucked more than I care to say.  It was hard enough to begin with but having to actually start the apologizing myself was not where I wanted to go from.

I took a deep breath and stood up.  I couldn't sit still while I talked.  There was too much emotion built up inside of me to stay still.  Before long I was pacing the length of the living room, my hands were waving emphatically in front of me and Leon was watching me his expression slightly amused at my ramblings but he was taking every word out of my mouth seriously.  

I told him that I knew I was selfish in leaving, that I knew how important Jesse was to him… Jesse was his family.  I knew that but accepting that I was losing him because he lost Jesse was more than I could take.  Something I didn't deserve.

I apologized for leaving but I had to get away from memories of Jesse and of us, because staying there, watching him rip himself apart was ripping me apart.  

I'm not sure how long I rambled on about why I left, all I know is I exhausted myself and with one last word I collapsed to the floor… I sat in a breathless heap my head in my hands and my knees curled to my chest.  

I looked up not sure what I was expecting from Leon but definitely not expecting what I got.  There was no expression on his face, he looked at me with blank eyes then stood.  

"I'm going for a walk."

With that he walked out.  I've been sitting here since.  That was over three hours ago.  I'm worried about him.  But what can I do?  He needs this time to let things sink in… I guess.  I don't know.

I'm just back where I began.  Sitting and waiting.

~ Frankie 


	14. August 17th

August 17th

I waited and waited and he never came back.  Finally, when the old grandfather clock in the hallway struck midnight I couldn't wait any longer.  I grabbed my keys off of the counter and ran out, through a massive downpour, got in my car and drove.

I covered every street in the Garden District, doubled back through the French Quarter, even got out to check some of the bars where people continued to stream in and out, no luck. I couldn't find him anywhere.  I debated whether or not to hit the cemetery scene.  It wasn't Leon's thing and with Jesse's recent passing I figured that would be the last place he would be.

There was nowhere else to look so I drove home.  The rain disguised the tears streaming down my face as I got out of the car and slowly made my way up the walk to the porch.  I'd driven for hours, dawn was breaking but I still had the cover of night as I reached the last step.

"Where were you?"

His voice startled me, the dark hiding him in the shadows of the porch.  I listened for a moment waiting for him to say something else.  He was on the porch swing.  I could hear the tiny squeak of the chains as he swung slowly.  

I crossed the porch and tentatively sat next to him, barely able to make out his form as I sat down.

"I thought you left…"

"I had some thinking to do… "

I just nodded, I knew he couldn't see me but I didn't care.  I didn't really know what to say.  Of course he had some thinking to do.  

"Damn cold night for Nawlins in August isn't it?" he chuckled quietly, testing the waters I suppose.  Not sure why… I'm the one who'd left, not him.  

"Hmm… yeah.  Feels more like November."  I sat a moment longer before speaking he never spoke so I decided to break the silence.  "Look Leon, you don't have to say anything.  I'll open the door, you can get your things and walk out if you want.  No questions asked, no explanations needed."

I stood slowly hoping he'd stop me but he didn't.  The keys slipped from my hands as I reached the door and I bent to retrieve them.  He walked around me and opened the door.

"It isn't locked." He walked in ahead of me.  "I know this isn't the safest city in the world so why are you leaving your doors unlocked?"

I didn't look at him as I turned to lock the door and deadbolt.  "I was worried I guess… I left in a hurry."

I avoided his gaze and walked directly up the stairs and into the bathroom.  I looked like hell.  My eyes were puffy and bloodshot.  I looked like I'd seen the bottom of a bottle or two in a matter of minutes.  There was no way I could pass that look off to rain.  I stepped into the shower letting the hot water ease my tension but it did little for my pain.  

By the time my shower was over Leon would have had time to get his things and go.  That's how I planned it.  I couldn't stand there and watch him walk away.  If I don't see it… I didn't happen.  I can keep telling myself he's just gone to work or gone off for a little while that he'll be back.  But I'll only be able to lie to myself for so long.

I shut off the water and put on my robe then slowly walked down the stairs… afraid of the emptiness I felt with each step.  I looked around the living room not sure why I expected to see him still there.  He wasn't.

As I wandered into the kitchen and got a glass of water I noticed it.  The back door was slightly opened.  Just enough to let a breeze in and a beam from the sun as it rose, casting a reddish hue across the room.  

I walked over and started to close the door when I saw him.  With a deep breath I stepped over the threshold, crossed the yard and sat next to him on the bench that sat beneath the large live oak tree that stood in the middle of the yard, covered in Spanish moss.  "You're still here."

It sounded like a statement but the question in my voice was obvious.

"I like it here.  It's muggy as hell but it's a change from LA.  I need a change."

I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging the chill that consumed me.  My hair was still wet from the shower and tiny droplets of water dripped down my body.  

Leon wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him.  "You're cold."

I met his gaze not knowing what to expect but when his lips met mine I felt my body collapse against his.  I leaned heavily into his touch savoring the feeling that I'd been denied for too long.  But all too soon he pulled away.

"I'm gonna stay here for awhile Frank," he said quietly as he pressed his lips to my forehead.  "I think we need to spend some time here.  Together.  Away from LA, away from memories of Jesse.  We just… we just need to find us again."

I nodded. 

"I love you Frankie."

So that's where we are.  We're here in New Orleans, starting over.  This is what we need.  It's the best thing for us.  

Leon called Vince this afternoon and told him to pack up his things and send them out.  They'll be arriving in a few days with Mia in tow.  She wants to see me, make sure I'm doing good, that Leon's in a safe place and to get a recipe for those beignets that Vince keeps bugging her about.

As for Leon and I, we'll see where things go from here.

~ Frankie 


End file.
